Reflections
by luvsjazz
Summary: Sven reflects on the anniversary of Lloyd's death. Hints of yaoi and a couple of bad words.


A/N: Hi. I'm new to the fandom and to writing. I had this story pop up in my head after finishing the manga. It's unbeta'd so feel free to comment. Thanks to Musal I've changed Leon's name to Lloyd (sorry!). And I went back and found out that the daughter's name is Jessica, so I've changed that too.

Disclaimer: Black Cat was created and owned by Kentaro Yabuki. And possibly owned by Shonen Jump. And maybe Viz Media. But my name is nowhere on that list.

* * *

Some people can come from the most normal of families, the most normal of backgrounds, and still be loners. Aloof. Non-touchy feely. And that's ok. I wasn't used to touch. The first day I met my partner and he put his arm around me was nearly the last day of our partnership. Up to that point, I could probably count on my hands (and maybe my toes) the number of times I had been hugged. I could definitely count the number of times I had been hugged by a virtual stranger. But eventually, I understood that it wasn't personal. Just like I had been raised without touch, he had been raised with it. It became a non issue quicker than I would have thought. I guess it should have stayed an issue. 

Lloyd and Ayana were a young couple, just starting out their marriage as we were starting out our careers. I think they felt a little sorry for me, being alone and all, so they tried to include me in their lives a lot. Dinner, movies, picnics, beach trips, shopping, vacations...I worried about being a third wheel. I knew they needed their own time together, but they never seemed to act like it mattered. I was in as many pictures in their home as they were. Yeah, it was odd to me, but this was my partner, his wife, my friends. I figured, if they were weird enough to want me around, who was I to say no.

It didn't surprise me too much when I started having feelings for Lloyd. We may have been young, but we were good at our jobs. We had already been in enough situations where we put our lives in each others hands. Between the job partnership and friend love, I had never had anyone show me that kind of care. I was young. I got my kinds of love confused.

It did surprise me when Ayana seemed to have feelings for me. I guess maybe we spent so much time together, it was just a natural extension. Or maybe she fell in love with me a little. Maybe she wanted me to feel special. Maybe she was just curious. Who knows. It's not often I was there without the both of the happy couple but things just worked out that way. Just once. Jessica came out with blonde hair and a crooked smile like her momma, and hazel eyes like her daddy. Lloyd's eyes were violet.

He had to have known. He could see the future. He had to have known that he needed to be home that night. But he never said a word, never excluded me from his life, never stopped loving his wife and kid, and still watched my back like he would give his life for mine.

I wonder exactly how far Lloyd could see into the future. I wonder if he really knew the situation he would leave his family in – alone. I'm sure he thought he could leave them and everything would be ok. I know he thought I would take care of them. I do. Now. I send them money, still have colleagues who keep an eye on them for me. But I know it was never about material things with Leon, know that he expected more from me. They had changed me to accept touch, and love. They had conditioned me to belong to them. But I lost it all when I lost him. I quit my job. I drank. I was always broke. I moved around, became a sweeper, took liberties with my safety. Ayana might as well have been in that warehouse with her husband. I couldn't go to her. I couldn't stay.

They come every year. I wait for them. They never see me. Eve...Eve is so much like me. Detached, solitary, drifting. When I wake up in the mornings, she looks like Jessica. I wonder just how much of a bastard I am to replace her with another when she is still right there. Jessica doesn't know any better. I'd like to keep it that way. I can handle seeing them once a year from afar. I can't see tears, hear words. I can handle Jessica thinking every year that she's 'just missed Daddy's dear friend'. I hope that's all she'll ever know.


End file.
